Nothing Can Stop Me Now...

I had the notification come through from my domain host that the domain for this website had auto-renewed and I've paid for it for the next couple of years. Just as I was about to delete the whole thing and go into hiding. 

So I'd better use it! 

I had a moment of clarity a few days ago, wondering why I was in such a funk. I suddenly realised that it's the typical frustrations of a creative mind. 

When I was working in retail, as I had for twenty years, a lot of it was okay, and there were some moments where it was absolutely horrific. But while I was there, I had the release in the evenings and on days off, of writing roleplaying games, making stupid videos, writing fiction, and so on, to keep me sane. 

I dreamed of an escape, to get out of retail, to do what I wanted, and to create stuff...

"It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, it didn't out the way you wanted it, did it?" - NIN

Now I'm out of retail, and I'm doing creative stuff during the day - albeit not necessarily the creative stuff that still bubbles away at the back of my head. However, when the working day finishes I don't have that creative release of doing something personal. I could - as long as it's not RPG related - but that restriction sometimes just makes me want to sit and stare into space or hide. 

I could do something outside of RPGs, but the idea of spending another couple of hours in front of the computer in the evening is off-putting, and my drawing skills have severely diminished since the ol' comic drawing days (not that they were very good then either). I'm sure many artists have the same problem where you look at the page, picture what you want to produce, and when you actually put pencil to paper it is just a mess or nothing like what you had in mind. I get frustrated and give up, returning to the 'stare into space/TV' mentality which I know isn't good for me.

What's the solution? I seriously considered going back to retail recently, until a good friend said to me "Friends don't let friends go back to retail". 

We'll see. Something may happen. I live in hope. 

- D.

Different Year, Same Anxieties

 

Image of Calendar Page turning...

There's a strange thing that happens with the start of a new year - you have that feeling that something is going to have to change. It's a new year - new you, and all that. Last year may have been a disaster, but this year, this is the year it all changes. The start of the new year is filled with hope and optimism, and by the time you get to the end of January there's the massive slump.

And that's something I'm feeling right now. All that hope of the new year has dwindled, and now I'm in a right funk as they say. And not the good kind. 

I still have hopes for this year, they just seem almost impossibly far away. 

So much I want to do both work wise, and in my spare time, but sometimes it feels like walking through molasses and my free days and evenings I'm just struggling to even get out of bed. 

Maybe it's just the way my brain works. There have been a couple of times over the last four or five years that I've signed up for mindfulness courses (through our wonderful NHS) and seminars on overcoming stress and anxiety. Luckily I still have the mp3s of the mindfulness sessions. Maybe that'll mean I can get to sleep before 2am, rather than spending a couple of hours staring at the ceiling wondering if I could have done something differently or said something that would have changed things.

So much for weekly blogposts, eh? 

Maybe next month...

Until then, keep safe, and look after yourselves and yours. 

More Time Out From the World

Promotional image for a graphic novel "Feel Better Now" by Jonathan Hickman (c)IMAGE Comics

Now that #RPGaDAY is over (once again, thank you all for taking part) I'm going to address something that needs sorting. I really have a bit of a problem. I have no attention span, I can't concentrate on anything, and before you say anything - yes, I've been to get medical help. It's coming.

However, it's obvious to me that I have a major contributing factor to my mental wellbeing, and that's social media. I spend a hell of a lot of time on social media. I'm checking Facebook and Twitter every hour at least, and it's really not good for me. Reading one bad post can have me mentally spiralling and I spend most of my time worrying about crap that really doesn't affect me or have anything to do with me.

For example, here's how my brain worked a couple of weeks ago when the fantastic news was announced of a new Dune RPG from Modiphius in association with Gale Force Nine. It started as "Holy crap, someone's got the Dune license!", through to "God, I'd love to work on Dune. Dune is one of my favourite books, and I'm obsessed with the David Lynch movie." It quickly progressed to, "I should drop Modiphius a line," to "But I dropped out of working on Star Trek. They probably hate me for letting them down. I was their line developer and I walked away." By the end of the night, I was convinced that nothing I wrote was any good, that I could never do Dune justice, let alone any other licensed property I could ever hope to work on. That no gaming company would ever want to work with me again. That I should just give up game writing, and just stick to my day job in retail. That I'm fifty and I work in a shop. I'm going to be trapped there forever. I'll retire and all I'll have to say is that I worked in retail. I'm too old to get a new job, no one will hire me.

All that, from some good news in the gaming world. Imagine what my head does when the news is less than positive.

Right in the middle of a mass social media initiative to spread some positivity about gaming I realised I needed to take a break from social media.

Typical.

So. Starting today. 1st of September 2018, I'm getting the hell off of social media. I'm not deleting my accounts - so you can still "@" me on Twitter, or message me on Facebook messenger. I'll check them first thing in the morning, see if there's any news I need to know, but that's it. I'm not going to look again until the following morning or if I get directly contacted. Heck, you can always email me if you need to get in touch. Especially if you're a publisher who suddenly acquires the rights for a Harry Potter RPG or a James Bond RPG...

Yes, I'm available for writing gigs. Please don't be put off...

I'm still going to write blog posts - there is something therapeutic about it. And I've an idea for a series of posts about Tarot that'll get me back into WILD writing. I'll still post links to these blog posts on Facebook and Twitter, but that's about it for a while.

I'm hoping that this extra time, away from staring at the computer screen, will mean I'll be more productive, and my concentration will return.

I'm down, but I'm certainly not out.

I'll feel better, soon.

Thank you for listening.

Second Best UK RPG Blog?

Seriously?

I'm not sure if that's really the case. There are times when I really wonder if anyone actually reads my rambling nonsense. I mean, it's not like I get thousands of hits on my blog every post. I'm happy if it hits three figures, as that's often a rarity, so surely there are sites out there with more hits than me?

Anyway, I'll take the compliment, and the little medal, and say Thankee Sai to Feedspot.

New post will be coming in the next couple of days detailing this year's #RPGaDAY... stay tuned, stay multi-classy!!

A Minute to Breathe

I once met a woman who wasn't there.
I followed her down to the pit of despair. 
She was not evil, she was kind. 
It was not her, but me who was blind.

I had a moment of revelation today. Continuing from my previous post about needing to take a "time out from the world", I've been cutting down on my commitments, taking time away from the internet, and trying to get my head into a better place.

Today, I started watching "Falling Water". Properly. I posted about the series back on the 7th October and I used words like "VERY slow" and said it was probably going to get cancelled. But if anything, this is indicative of my mental state. Back in October I was obviously doing too much. This was at the start of the build up to Christmas in retail (ug), as well as working seven days a week in two jobs.

I couldn't concentrate on anything. I had the attention span of about ten minutes before I got bored and needed to try something else, check the internet, see if there were any more bloody messages on that app, check my emails, make some notes or something. I couldn't focus, I couldn't see the end of the week. I was unable to sleep, felt tired all the time, constantly catching colds, being quick tempered and irritable with everyone.

Today, thanks to the complete season one of Falling Water making its appearance on Amazon Prime, and thanks to the trial month, I gave the series another go. I'd only watched the pilot before, feeling my interest drifting away every five minutes. Now, trying it again, not only is it a revelation - a whole host of ideas for WILD firing off in my brain in a good way, but it really has shown me what my mental state was like just a few months ago.

In the last few weeks I've made big decisions, taken a step back from things, and trying to give my head time to get back into a normal space. I'm still a way from getting 100% - I still worry about everything, still have times when I can't sleep, but I can feel things easing slightly and that things should ease more in the future.

I've been really enjoying the series too. I'm only four episodes in, but loving every moment of it. And being able to sit, and watch a series without feeling super-twitchy and distracted, has been a delight. 

I'll be continuing to cut back on things, giving myself a minute to breathe more often, before it all gets too much. Remember to do it yourself. Watch this video, listen to the wonders of Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and give yourself a minute to breathe.

Stay safe, and look after you and yours.

Time Out from the World

I've been quiet recently.

Finding it hard to concentrate on things, to keep my attention focused. Hell, it's hard to sleep. Dreams filled with work, work, worries and more work. I woke this morning after a dream of struggling to find something for work.

And then, I had a revelation. An epiphany of sorts. I've seen what I need to do. I need to disconnect. To take a time out from the world - to quote Goldfrapp. I realised where I had been going wrong all these many years. I've been trying to be something I'm not.

I'm not a film reviewer. I've dabbled in it, used to blog for the SyFy Channel's site back when it had blogs, but it's all just marketing movies and TV series that are being covered by every other site out there anyway. I loved going to the press conferences and screenings in London, but it's all at my expense and funds are tight at the moment. So I'm going to withdraw from that for a while. If I see something I really like, I'll write something about it, but it has to be a personal connection. You'll have noticed that in my past film reviews, I've tried to make it about how it made me feel - rather than a review of the film.

I'm not a Youtuber. I've dabbled in that too. Wrote a webseries, hosted some vidblogging events. I mean, let's face it, what's the point? I'm not hip, young or attractive, so it's hard to get casual viewers. And no one really cares. The one thing I've done on Youtube that I'm happy with was launching #RPGaDAY. Trying to get people talking in a positive way about gaming. I doubt I'll be doing that again this year, and #RPGaDAY is in very capable and safe hands with Anthony Boyd and the RPGBrigade. They'll keep it going and spread the spirit of what it's about far and wide. Thank you Brigaders.

I'm not a famous game designer. Sure I've worked on a lot of books, and designed the system that's used for the Doctor Who RPG. But in the end, I'm just some guy who played a lot of RPGs as a kid, and wrote a bit, but my dayjob is a normal retail one. I'm not famous. I'm not hugely successful. I'm not a "bankable name". I'm not making huge amounts of money out of it.

I need to reassess everything.

I need to get away from Facebook, Twitter, and all that nonsense. I need some "me" time.

Maybe it's a sign of my age, or our surroundings. The desire to pack up, move to the middle of nowhere with the wife and cat, and hide from the world is pretty strong at the moment.

Maybe it's the emotional punch of another family funeral this year, putting everything into context.

Maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis.

Sorry if I'm quiet. Sorry if I'm going to continue being quiet for the time being. I just need to get my head in a better place.

Meanwhile, may I take this opportunity to wish you all a better 2017.

Peace and Long Life.

D