In The Cards - Yet Again

Besieged by the regular frustrations and self-doubt, I felt compelled to try another tarot reading. Just what am I doing wrong? This isn't what I had planned! Maybe I should have read the small print? Have a let people down?

I dug out the Vertigo Tarot set again, with its Dave McKean artwork, and gave the cards a shuffle. Aren't you supposed to wait a while between readings? I Googled. I remember that you weren't supposed to have a major reading within six months, but checking Google that all seems to be out the window. Three months seems to be okay, and it's been just over three months. 

Time to shuffle the cards. I love the Vertigo Tarot, though the cards are slightly oversized and shuffling is a little tricky. But you have to work for it don't you? Everything in life is a little bit of a struggle? Okay, I think I'm done. Final cut of the cards, and it's traditional Celtic Cross layout time.

1) - Four of Pentacles (Reversed) - This represents me in my current situation. Last time it said I was coming to a realisation and needed to make a decision. This card, the Four of Pentacles in its reversed position means I'm letting things go. I'm losing my concern over some material things, and letting things go. Of course, there are some things I don't want to let go of, there are still some thing I'm hoping for, but they seem to get further and further away every day. Maybe I'm realising that some of these are just not achievable and I should just resign myself to my fate.

2) - Five of Swords - this crosses the first card, and represents what's holding me back, my immediate obstacles. Before, it was my reluctance to leave the house. Now it just seems that I'm defeated. Depressed, shamed, and silent. The card represents a situation where I feel like I can't speak out, to make myself heard.

3) - Nine of Cups - This is my past, and the basis of my current situation. This card represents my desire for perfection in art. Seems about right. I can get bogged down wanting things to be absolutely perfect. It does slow me down a bit, but I'd rather things were right?

4) - IV: The Emperor (Reversed) - This again is my past, or rather what is recently behind me. The reversed Major Arcana card, The Emperor, signifies discovering who is pulling the strings, and what is undermining my plans. 

5) - VI: The Lovers (Reversed) - This is my present. Before I was full of optimism and belief, and activity. This time it's signifying a need to rebel, there's an opposition going on and I feel like to need to strike back. Ominous!

6) - Three of Wands - this is my future. My previous reading said I was going to be dishonest to myself and fool myself over the situation. This time it signifies power, independence, divisions between people, exploring, making heroic actions or even a sacrifice. Sounds even more drastic. 

Up the side of the Celtic Cross are four more cards...

7) - Five of Cups (Reversed) - this represents my attitude. A bit more positive than last time, this says that I'm understanding, have a fresh hope, appreciating what I do have and looking forward to something new and hopeful. I'm full of hope. Whether it ever happens or not is something else, but you gotta hope, right?

8) - Six of Pentacles - This represents my surroundings, my current environment. The card says it's all about sharing, people helping each other, and receiving help. I'm very open to that. If anyone feels like they can steer me in the right direction, please let me know.

9) - Nine of Wands (Reversed) - this is all about my hopes and dreams. Last one signified a change in direction, but that never came. This time it says my hopes and dreams, my inner thoughts, are all about confinement, confusion, and needing to take a fresh look at things. 

10) - Ace of Cups (Reversed) - and finally, the last card represents the overall outcome. This card says that emotions are strong, troubled, with a level of sadness, and that I need to work at it. Jeez, I guess I asked for that. But I can foresee without the need for the cards that things are going to require a lot of work over the next couple of months...

I put the cards away, and the interpretation guide book. and look at my notes. Did that help? I don't think so, but it's scarily accurate again. 

Until next post, which may be about the next in my video games series or building up to the 10th anniversary of #RPGaDAY...

Stay safe. 

Time Out from the World

I've been quiet recently.

Finding it hard to concentrate on things, to keep my attention focused. Hell, it's hard to sleep. Dreams filled with work, work, worries and more work. I woke this morning after a dream of struggling to find something for work.

And then, I had a revelation. An epiphany of sorts. I've seen what I need to do. I need to disconnect. To take a time out from the world - to quote Goldfrapp. I realised where I had been going wrong all these many years. I've been trying to be something I'm not.

I'm not a film reviewer. I've dabbled in it, used to blog for the SyFy Channel's site back when it had blogs, but it's all just marketing movies and TV series that are being covered by every other site out there anyway. I loved going to the press conferences and screenings in London, but it's all at my expense and funds are tight at the moment. So I'm going to withdraw from that for a while. If I see something I really like, I'll write something about it, but it has to be a personal connection. You'll have noticed that in my past film reviews, I've tried to make it about how it made me feel - rather than a review of the film.

I'm not a Youtuber. I've dabbled in that too. Wrote a webseries, hosted some vidblogging events. I mean, let's face it, what's the point? I'm not hip, young or attractive, so it's hard to get casual viewers. And no one really cares. The one thing I've done on Youtube that I'm happy with was launching #RPGaDAY. Trying to get people talking in a positive way about gaming. I doubt I'll be doing that again this year, and #RPGaDAY is in very capable and safe hands with Anthony Boyd and the RPGBrigade. They'll keep it going and spread the spirit of what it's about far and wide. Thank you Brigaders.

I'm not a famous game designer. Sure I've worked on a lot of books, and designed the system that's used for the Doctor Who RPG. But in the end, I'm just some guy who played a lot of RPGs as a kid, and wrote a bit, but my dayjob is a normal retail one. I'm not famous. I'm not hugely successful. I'm not a "bankable name". I'm not making huge amounts of money out of it.

I need to reassess everything.

I need to get away from Facebook, Twitter, and all that nonsense. I need some "me" time.

Maybe it's a sign of my age, or our surroundings. The desire to pack up, move to the middle of nowhere with the wife and cat, and hide from the world is pretty strong at the moment.

Maybe it's the emotional punch of another family funeral this year, putting everything into context.

Maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis.

Sorry if I'm quiet. Sorry if I'm going to continue being quiet for the time being. I just need to get my head in a better place.

Meanwhile, may I take this opportunity to wish you all a better 2017.

Peace and Long Life.

D